Riding the waves of grief
Today I found a picture of my junior high boyfriend. It was taken on our grade 9 trip and boy did seeing that picture ever bring back some big feelings.
His death was one of the most profound losses of my life. And it happened at a time when I was so young to be dealing with it.
It impacted our entire community.
I know there are many of us who carry him with us now and always will. We remember how amazing he was and cherish the memories we had over his short life.
He should be celebrating his 40th birthday later this week. Missing him feels especially hard for these big milestones.
I don’t think it was random that I came upon this picture today. I think I was meant to see it. Just a few days ago I had another sign from him - a beautiful rainbow while out fishing. Those of us still here connect rainbows to him and I always spend a few moments thinking of him when I see one.
Many days I see his parents and brother in law out on the water. The stern of their boat has a rainbow to symbolize him out there with them. The exact place I know he’d be if he was still here.
Though we lost him so long ago it can still hit me so hard, just like it did today.
I still cry when I hear “With arms wide open” by Creed. It’s the song we played the day we said goodbye. This fall I’ll be seeing this performed live and look forward to embracing all the feels when I experience this. I know this song will always stir up emotions and I’m ready to ride that wave.
His death came within a short time frame where we lost 2 other kids from our community. It was a lot for all of us to deal with. It will never make sense to me.
At some point I decided that I needed to be the strong one through this. And through all parts of my life, really. I took pride in the fact that I barely cried, ever. I was holding it together in front of others so that they knew they could rely on me when they were falling apart.
I got really good at this.
Even the people closest to me wouldn’t really know if I was having a hard day. I believed it was up to me to keep it that way. I have no idea where this came from but it became a part of who I thought I needed to be. In some ways it helped me and in many others it definitely hurt me.
I’m now learning to lean into my emotions and see them as a gift. I know that it is not from weakness but from strength that I can show all of myself and accept the emotional waves as they rise. And I’m so lucky to be around people who encourage and embrace all parts of me.
Grief is hard. I’ve lost some amazing people in my life and it helps me to remember to live life to the fullest, to keep chasing my dreams and to do what lights me up. We just don’t know what tomorrow may bring.
I also like to look for signs from loved ones who’ve passed. Rainbows, hummingbirds, certain songs, colors and smells are just some of the things that make me stop, remember and feel whatever comes up.
Grief often floods in unexpectedly. My advice is to allow the wave to happen. Feel everything that comes up. It can be a beautiful release to let the tears flow and spend some time remembering their love.
